[0.0s] previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[30.0s] about your name why not a library uh well you know we were a library oh so you were right they
[39.7s] were a library yeah i guess it's a very clever name uh the second thing he put down here is
[43.9s] potatoes potatoes of all sizes okay grab a giant potato bowl for potato soup with a side
[50.9s] of roasted potatoes he lays the the bill down on the table and says uh take your time
[56.5s] i have this card it's favoring frequent flyer miles i don't know what this is it's legit and
[61.6s] i put it back in my pocket oh my gosh you guys there was a lot of gold in there we have to
[67.2s] retrace our steps maybe we should and i'm not big on this but alert the authorities i reach
[73.1s] into one final pocket and you you feel something kind of sticky and you pull your
[78.1s] hand back out and there's some jam on your hand and a note and the note says
[83.0s] tanks for goblin place oh my god they stole all of our money yeah those turnt little so-and-sos
[91.4s] oh
[112.2s] welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons we're a dnd fifth edition actual play podcast and i'm your
[116.7s] dungeon master rusp More and with me today is tom laird hey that's me i play moot and carla
[122.8s] max dead that's me i play glim and Amy More also known as mrs dm and i play sullivan slight
[134.2s] no one has ever called you that i don't know but i think we're gonna start
[137.6s] well welcome to the show everybody we were so prepared for the last one now we know how
[143.4s] prepared we are for this one so prepared so we're prepared double triple prepared where we're
[148.6s] boy scouts really prepared is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast sometimes
[154.6s] i was gonna say really prepared sometimes we have prepared previously lots like there's a lot
[161.8s] in there there's a lot of things for you to enjoy and explore if you become a patron like
[166.0s] tons and hours and hours of bonus content like 40 plus hours of bonus content easily
[172.3s] prepared so many things prepared like the name we have prepared tonight when you get a
[178.6s] patron dedication oh that took a real sharp turn wasn't exactly prepared correctly when you are
[185.5s] yep when you are a patron you get an episode dedicated to you like today's
[189.3s] patron who we prepared ahead of time jordan cooper thank you thank you jordan and now
[198.7s] now we should go get a drink
[203.5s] no like we're done yeah like we're done all right let's go to the not a library
[209.6s] fuck it let's play dnd you're just trying something new it's just you know
[217.4s] just leaning into it fake out this guy everybody just gave me a look like what are you doing
[224.8s] this is not how the podcast clearly i did not know consistency comfort previously you were
[233.2s] i was uncomfortable because i did not prep a lot but you were very comfortable in the not a
[239.4s] library tavern inside of el churro the city that you are now in you have eaten potatoes
[249.1s] and so many wild artichokes or marinated artichokes that you are now full from
[253.7s] a long travel of just jerky and rations and jam full from a long travel of jerky and
[263.6s] while eating what word tapestry are you weaving for me right now
[270.0s] full after long travel of which point you were only eating it's getting better rations
[281.0s] and jerky and jam you got there okay we all understand language is nebulous it's only
[287.9s] matters if you get your meaning across and we knew what you meant yeah i thought so
[293.4s] anyways you have no money and you're sitting at the table figure that shit out mon looks
[299.2s] over and says yeah yeah just i'll catch it you just leave it on the table i'll i'll get
[304.2s] you guys when you're uh actually mon can you uh can you come over here for just a second
[310.2s] yeah just a sec and he finishes up with uh another patron at the bar and he asks
[315.8s] us over says yeah did you want something else uh well no i was just kind of wondering
[319.5s] um i give you a lot of really good information um like lots of great ideas yeah um and i
[328.4s] i'm just kind of like we're just you know i'm young i'm just starting out in my life
[334.5s] um wondering if like like you would find that information and and the ideas that i gave you
[342.7s] worth any monetary value um well we haven't implemented them yet so it's hard to say
[349.0s] whether they would be better than potatoes that that that is true um
[356.1s] okay what if i level with you here for a second
[358.2s] mm-hmm and i look at my friends and i go we
[368.3s] were unknowingly robbed at the last time we went in
[375.2s] oh no and i turn out my pocket and reveal a handful of jam what is that what you know down
[384.9s] in daggerford up in daggerford up in daggerford yes they got this large jam jar i have heard of it i
[393.8s] have not had the privilege to be able to go to daggerford well i wouldn't suggest going
[399.9s] because the goblins have kind of um there are goblins in daggerford there are goblins in
[406.6s] daggerford i heard it was just it was a clean cut town with a world's largest jam jar
[412.6s] well the goblins took over and um and we kind of helped to sort some things out and we even
[420.3s] did like really great humanitarian things or gobletarian things okay and set up a whole
[427.8s] district for them so that they would stop their shenanigans of looting and killing and
[434.0s] robin and stuff like that uh and and we and we left feeling pretty good about ourselves
[440.0s] and i nod at my friends like right yeah and um and even for our troubles because we were gods
[447.0s] on a caravan we got 500 gold pieces wow that is a lot of gold pieces it was a lot of gold pieces
[455.8s] what oh yeah i'm so sorry you guys it was 500 gold pieces oh i thought didn't he tell us 100
[464.1s] ears kind of perk up for you paying attention ears kind of perk up and people
[467.8s] paying attention to you the goblins stole all 500 gold pieces i show the um i show i show mon
[477.2s] the sticky jam note that was left in my pocket i don't i don't need to hold it i can see it
[481.8s] from here it says mine too i also pull out mine thanks for the goblin place what does that mean
[489.1s] well we helped them set up a complete district you set up a goblin district in a town
[495.3s] previously not inhabited by goblins well it was inhabited it was inhabited between
[502.9s] warring factions and everyone got a share of the town and i guess the goblins also took
[510.4s] all of our money which brings us to now where we just enjoyed some artichokes and some
[516.0s] potatoes and and where we could have run out um so what you're saying is you've you've
[523.8s] come into my establishment in thinking that we had 500 gold pieces my menu oh no i think
[532.1s] you are twisted no we would never insulted your menu your exclamation your potatoes
[537.4s] were fantastic the potatoes but now you're telling me you have no money how do you not
[543.8s] realize you don't have 500 gold that is quite a hefty just by weight well in our defense
[550.8s] we didn't know we had 500 gold to start with that's true and in my defense i have quite
[557.4s] the bubble booty and so i was not aware that um my pile of gold was missing from back there
[567.8s] well what am i to do i am a shop owner who has given you he looks at the
[572.2s] seven gold worth of potatoes and artichokes what and this is why we have honestly told
[579.8s] you about this how could we repay you in other ways that maybe do not require gold at this moment
[589.4s] obviously we're gonna be sleeping outside tonight
[595.0s] because i'm pretty sure that that they we are an end make a persuasion check
[601.9s] um
[606.2s] negative one anybody who can wait persuasion plus four anybody who can justify helping can give
[613.7s] sully advantage um like suggestions in ways that we could help yes uh well there's the the actual
[622.2s] action of helping so yes in game you would you you would suggest you know to corroborate
[627.6s] that's a crit one that's a one okay never mind even if i'm gonna maybe just try sir
[634.2s] you see him getting a little bit agitated we sincerely apologize for this terrible mistake we
[639.2s] never would have done this intentionally how can we make it right do you have dishes that you
[644.2s] need washed or um do you do you have maybe a part of your roof that needs to be repaired
[651.4s] mood is an expert roof repairman do you like something else we could help with
[656.1s] do you like fun magical items
[661.1s] you know you know uh shelly i'm tired tired of hearing about your
[668.4s] your story right now the other two of you roll persuasion 20 oh i'm persuasive i forgot
[677.0s] very good yeah pAlydins have like badass charisma yeah uh oh i also have good charisma
[683.4s] but not as good as yours it was a 16 for me
[689.4s] look there are hardly any dishes to wash she looks around she's like they've already been
[696.0s] cleaned you're going to be sleeping on the streets tonight if no one helps you
[702.3s] you
[706.6s] there is a job posting board that could get you perhaps the money you require to first pay me
[714.2s] back but then take care of your negligent bookkeeping if i allow you to stay the night for
[723.4s] a silver on on credit
[727.6s] right you go do some jobs you earn the money you need you pay for the potatoes
[739.9s] we're good if you can't however
[745.4s] or refuse or disappear all i have to do is call the guard they will find you
[753.2s] and we will happily work to repay our debt
[760.8s] right yeah absolutely wait could you point us toward this job board
[767.8s] yes yes i can it is um towards towards the center of town you can go check it out tonight
[775.8s] come back rest up go find the people who are offering the jobs tomorrow and see how many you
[782.0s] can can undertake thank you mon that sounds very fair we're so sorry about this
[794.9s] you know before the cult attacked i was a much stricter individual and would have perhaps
[802.6s] just gone straight to the guard but not anymore no i'm looking to take a chance
[809.6s] on you three we won't like don't change your mind we appreciate that we'll be the first in
[816.6s] line to look at that message board i would hope so
[826.2s] do you go look at the message yeah i think yeah we do sheepishly get out of that booth
[832.1s] and like shuffle past i'm like oh no god sorry amy is uncomfortable right now
[839.5s] with this i mean i think this exchange too it's so it's very awkward i don't like it
[846.4s] good i did something yeah um okay you had everybody make a perception check as you
[852.9s] head out of this uh establishment at disadvantage uh for those feeling extremely ashamed
[859.1s] um well already wasn't good but oh that's worse to 18 14 uh 18 and 14 you um you begin to head out
[870.9s] and you see that the the few patrons who are still left in the tavern at this time um a
[876.8s] couple of them have been eyeing you since the mention of 500 gold was thrown around and a
[883.4s] couple kind of look at you and they're just shaking their heads and you hear kids these days
[893.2s] you head out into the streets and follow mon's directions towards the center of town it's
[897.7s] getting dark but they're lighting uh lamps through the street and you make it to a job
[902.3s] board where you find that there are several jobs available the first that you read uh sully
[913.4s] pull it off the board and you read all right here's one uh help my mother-in-law has come
[919.4s] into town for a visit and i need someone professional to inflict me with some awful
[924.6s] disease or some other affliction so i have an excuse to stay in bed and not interact or be
[931.6s] around her please no afflictions that cause permanent damage or death mildly life-threatening
[938.4s] okay meet me at 10 pm behind that bar that smells like old goat you know the one 50 gold
[948.2s] upon disease delivery um it sounds like a lot of money but i don't i don't know how i feel
[958.2s] about inflicting i don't know how to do that can you make someone diseased moot uh i don't
[967.0s] think i can um no no i i mean i can make him cold does like frostbite count i could like
[976.1s] stab him or something i mean that puts you out for a while but it seems it seems kind of harsh
[982.3s] um maybe uh okay well this is the only one that i can reach that's actually low enough for
[990.7s] me to see is is maybe there another one that because i mean let's put this one in the maybe pile
[999.8s] yeah okay well here this one's from higher up wanted internship with seasoned adventurers
[1006.6s] i've admired heroes all my life and want to try my hand at it i'm hard working loyal and
[1012.7s] a team player well it grows fast i mean i guess because we're not seasoned enough is that why
[1022.2s] you think it isn't a good option well that and they're not offering any monies well usually with
[1027.6s] internships no no money changes hands yeah so well okay also try hard much i mean come on
[1038.2s] the wanted ads really are your desk we don't want someone that desperate either
[1044.1s] okay you're right you're right oh i see one here uh help local bar needs assistance creating
[1051.6s] a list of 100 dirty jobs no one wants to do a small payment will be available as well as your
[1058.3s] name as a contributing author in the book i'm writing sully that sounds like it'd be great
[1063.7s] for you you've had so many jobs yeah i could probably do that one let's put that in the more
[1067.9s] likely pile okay kate wanted dead or alive bone crusher orc chieftain to the south
[1075.8s] warning very heavily armed and dangerous as many henchmen reward a thousand gold pieces
[1083.4s] oh i mean that's a lot of gold how many is many henchmen
[1090.1s] oh i see i have another one here too um cobalt flour local baker seeks cobalt flour for the
[1100.0s] upcoming monster festival this specialty item can only be found in cobalt encampments will pay
[1106.2s] 10 gold pieces per pound maximum of 100 pounds well i'm wondering is that flower made from
[1114.8s] cobalts or is it collected it's what i thought it doesn't really say but you wouldn't think
[1120.6s] they would keep that oh here's when the cobalt encampment right oh i would hope not i i don't
[1127.0s] know well what about this one um music tuta my son stevie wants to be a bot but the kid has
[1132.8s] absolutely no talent brutal parents i want to enjoy my time at home without the shrieking
[1138.2s] of his horrible electric loot destroying the peace i'll pay you 10 gold to give him some
[1143.4s] lessons and if after a couple his music becomes less painful i'll give you 100 gold bonus
[1150.9s] contact john harris at 75 latin avenue does anyone does anyone play the loot
[1158.6s] i don't i also do not play a loot so so far the best one that we have read so far is i will
[1167.0s] come up with 100 dirty jobs bookkeepers needed not really bandit wizards have been trying to
[1174.7s] steal my personal library of arcane books need tough preferably illiterate bodies to
[1181.1s] defend collection until i can secure safer storage oh well i think we could be the muscle
[1191.6s] we could be muscle we are not illiterate but that's just a preference well yeah we can just
[1199.6s] say we have no interest in reading books i guess some of us have interest but i can lie
[1207.2s] i could fake it okay so we've got bandit wizards we've got the what was his name bone
[1215.5s] crusher bone crusher we've got cobalt flower cobalt flower hundred dirty jobs or that guy
[1222.7s] you could stab that guy oh yeah what about what about food poisoning for the guy would that be
[1229.4s] an option what if we got him like some really rank food and had him eat that you know what
[1237.3s] maybe this sounds like something that we should all take a job and go and talk to the people
[1242.2s] and get a little more information like moot you talk to the guy you say hey would food
[1247.8s] poisoning be adequate and i will go and talk to the person who needs 100 dirty jobs and you
[1253.2s] know ask what his you know level of dirty is exactly and then maybe you glim could go and
[1259.4s] talk to uh the person who needs some muscle for the wizard bandits okay okay yeah i'll get
[1267.4s] some more details there's no there's no um what does he even say how much money he's
[1271.0s] gonna give us he doesn't even say how much money exactly we definitely need some more information
[1274.6s] from that guy okay uh so what's the thing you're gonna take each take a job here
[1280.2s] and then or at least no we're gonna go like get some info and then meet back up and then
[1285.2s] tomorrow maybe do some jobs perfect okay well the one i'm going to talk about is uh 10 p.m
[1290.6s] so it has to happen tonight if it's gonna happen right yeah you look at your watch and
[1294.2s] it's uh 9 47 okay uh i i roll back into not a library and flag down mon and i say uh mon
[1309.2s] do you have any uh like really old spoiled food that you're like throwing away or maybe
[1316.7s] you know where i could find some really old spoiled food well we um we don't throw out
[1322.2s] a lot of food you know we purchase uh perfect amounts for the people that we sell to why do
[1328.8s] you need spoil i just gave you really good food why do you need no i know your food was delicious
[1333.2s] i need spoiled food for a job oh you went down to the board and this is yeah this is one of the
[1341.0s] things on the board so is do you know where i could that's fine so okay um i mean let me go
[1349.7s] look in the back i guess how spoiled do you need it he's yelling as he's walking into the kitchen
[1356.1s] i mean more spoiled the better or if you have any mild poisons you hear a muffled conversation
[1370.8s] um he pokes his head back around did you say poisons yeah
[1375.6s] oh give me a second he goes out when you hear a door opening in the back of the kitchen
[1383.1s] oh just yelling from back there oh god why did moot come back here okay now you open up the
[1394.1s] door and head in there i started you can see he's got goop on his hands he's like i started
[1399.5s] his hands he's like i started rummaging through the the trash and i thought why would i do this
[1405.4s] when it's your job sure feel free to look through and see if anything is as spoiled as you desire
[1413.4s] okay and about the maybe mild poisons i i mean no we don't have poisons here we're
[1420.8s] we're a tavern okay you know just thought i would ask you know there's maybe been like
[1426.0s] a rodent problem or something in the past no we're very clean we're not like the old goat in
[1434.0s] okay all right good to know good to know and where is that old goat in
[1437.7s] oh it's on the other side of town oh okay bit of a hike you'd have to run fast if that's
[1443.4s] where you're going to get spoiled foods yeah is is does it also smell like an old goat
[1449.4s] by the old goat in i mean we are very aptly named not a library old goat in smells like old goat
[1457.8s] okay perfect yeah um do i see any food that would uh fit the bill for my plan
[1466.3s] make an investigation check well i would love to do that investigate that shit that is after
[1474.5s] bonus come on investigation a 16 um you find something that you think would probably be it
[1484.3s] looks it smells a little off you tell me what you find though uh i find like a a charcuterie
[1493.1s] board that had been left out for like three days with no refrigeration okay cool um yeah
[1502.2s] you find that and mon looks at you and uh yeah that looks great you let me know how this one
[1509.6s] goes i'm curious to see what happens well i should i should know tonight great great great great
[1518.1s] okay well uh yeah old goat in other side of town take
[1525.3s] sully and uh glim yours um probably more daytime oriented what do you do
[1531.2s] while you're waiting for moot is this a real nightlife kind of town if it seems like the town's
[1536.6s] still bumping we can go talk to these people right now yeah there's things happening sure
[1540.7s] yeah who wants to go first i'll go okay where do you go i go back in
[1550.1s] poor mon well he's the only guy we know i go talk to mon shully you're back oh yes
[1556.2s] do you need charcuterie too oh uh no i i i don't really like seafood all that much um but i was
[1565.8s] wondering i i see this ad here for there's a local bar that needs assistance and i was hoping
[1572.4s] to help him out very cool do you know where i can find him are you a musician in and of
[1578.0s] your own no but i've had a lot of jobs oh you were a musician well i was a musician
[1587.0s] there's a slight pronunciation difference i was a musician yes oh great um does it say which
[1594.6s] bard you're looking for uh he's writing a book well uh at this time of night they're probably
[1601.0s] earning their living working one of the other taverns of them my own so i'll just go back up
[1608.4s] and then if you so desire here see if i can't get a rash here is the local bar hopping map
[1615.3s] oh yes this is a nightlife to kind of say it is not what i would have expected well thanks so
[1621.9s] much mon we're gonna pay you back man we're hard working we're no schlaps i can tell i can
[1627.0s] tell already that you three glim do you need help i do i'm sorry um i'm looking
[1636.6s] for a person who has a large library of arcane books that someone might be trying to steal
[1647.0s] does that sound like anything it's weird if you wanted help from someone you would
[1654.1s] not give any contact information and even more confusingly it explicitly says he prefers
[1659.4s] illiterate people in a written ad
[1664.6s] i love that
[1668.0s] i didn't even clue that in that's awesome it's just thinking about how i would find this um
[1675.7s] okay excuse me sir i had someone read this for me yeah um okay let me let me look at
[1683.1s] the note and he takes it from you he says yes okay this is the handwriting it does say
[1689.6s] illiterate so you're gonna perhaps want to tell them that um you you had your friends read it
[1695.6s] for you yes yes it seems like a wise way to approach the situation um wise master mesix
[1704.6s] is the one you want to look for and where do you think he might be
[1712.3s] um well you would find wise master mesix um at his at his abode at his home um on on uh
[1721.8s] pepperoni
[1728.6s] on pepperoni lane
[1732.0s] in the cured meats you know it well well we were walking past i smelled something so
[1739.5s] okay i will find wise master mesix thank you thank you again for all your help we're gonna
[1744.6s] we're gonna get you paid back as soon as we can i can't wait i can't wait
[1752.2s] so
[1760.7s] hey we're here in the middle it's time to sing the song what we call the middle
[1768.2s] keep going oh now break it down for the rap part russ this is where we talk about the middle
[1774.1s] and we don't know where it begins or ends but it's the middle perfect i love the middle
[1780.4s] middle line beautiful yeah yeah thanks everybody um that's all i'm here for uh and take it away
[1790.2s] where we do more awesome singing is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast where
[1794.6s] we're reaching another goal can you believe it so goal oriented you're very goal oriented
[1800.4s] the last goal was kind of a funsies goal where we did an austin powers one-shot game
[1806.3s] yeah we did if you haven't listened to that become a patron so you can because it's really
[1810.8s] something it's it's something else it's available entirely but our next goal um we are what we're
[1818.0s] trying to do with this what we do with all of our goals is we pay for all of our hosting
[1822.0s] we pay for all of our subscription services um music sound effects uh editing software
[1828.3s] microphones liquor for amy liquor for amy very important podcasting tool yes contest prizes
[1837.2s] which we have another one in the works coming up very very soon more announcements coming up
[1842.1s] about that later because it's not totally planned out i just said it so now it's going
[1846.0s] to happen now insane hand movements tonight he's typing on an imaginary computer he's airbending
[1853.8s] um but our next goal so uh what we're doing is we're making sure that we can say for maybe
[1859.0s] doing some some cons or some other contests or some something coming up and what will happen
[1865.1s] when we hit 450 a month over on Patreon is we will record a character swap episode
[1875.4s] now do we get to choose the characters are we gonna roll dice to decide or are we gonna pick
[1881.4s] carolyn i love that carolyn i love letting dice decide yeah i do i do like it how i picture it is
[1887.6s] we will allow patrons to either pick a character set or three individual characters and a gm
[1896.5s] because the gm is going to go into the hat too oh yeah forgot to mention that uh russ
[1902.4s] just did that thing where like villains will bite their fingers he made like quite an evil
[1906.9s] little face yeah um so the the gm will go into the hat and then we'll figure out how we're
[1911.7s] gonna pick the the three characters with all of the patrons who come and join us
[1915.8s] and then we'll just draw and see who's running the game and who's playing who
[1920.2s] and i think it's gonna be a hoot it's gonna be something is this removed from
[1926.7s] questions i have in the middle for us bring stuff up and i'm like hmm
[1931.0s] is this removed from the timeline or what you do as thea gonna fuck up the rest of my thea life
[1938.9s] i mean that depends where we're at i think we'll see how it goes you know what characters
[1945.3s] it ends up being it could be gone and come back that could be a thing yeah it could be
[1951.4s] just whoever DMs make sure that you somehow cancel amy's spells yes and i guess kill my
[1957.9s] characters yeah so it might be a non-canonical game but i think it will be fun regardless but
[1966.7s] that's going on over at Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast we want you to join us
[1970.8s] come join us over there it'll be a blast and now we'll get you back to the episode
[1975.8s] where take us out with a rap where they're doing all the sweet dirty jobs
[1981.2s] and they're gonna do something with dirty job lists
[1984.5s] okay bye i'm sorry goodbye
[1992.9s] okay we cut back to moot who's made it to the old goat inn and it does in fact you can get
[2000.5s] whiffs as you round the corner of a certain farm animal perhaps a goat i get it yeah name
[2009.4s] name checks out you you check the local time keeper and it is uh it is just past 10 o'clock
[2020.2s] uh i make my way behind the bar does he yell something like
[2024.4s] just past 10 o'clock and all is well do you know where your children are exact
[2032.0s] uh hello hello is anyone back here uh you hear uh kind of bumping of uh of piled up
[2042.6s] ugly because you're behind a bar yeah and then those two people say excuse me
[2049.5s] oh sorry looking for the guy who's afraid of his mother in law yeah that way oh all right
[2055.4s] perfect thanks for the heads up they just carry on and um and yeah you turn around and you see
[2064.5s] a uh a a younger uh kind of late 20s early 30s human male awkwardly standing beside two people
[2073.8s] bumping uglies oh my you picked a hell of a place to stand behind an inn that smells like
[2079.8s] all the goats maybe they've got a thing for like being in public yeah i guess
[2090.7s] yeah uh he looks to you and says yeah what's what's it to you uh well i was i was curious
[2097.7s] uh would like food poisoning work would that knock you down a peg for a day or two oh
[2102.9s] you're here about the job not just watching the people bumping uglies no is this why you
[2108.2s] picked this time because you wanted to just sit here and watch this i mean there's nothing
[2112.2s] good on tv right now what's the tv it's the the the the box that i have oh you've you've got a
[2124.6s] box yeah okay cool yeah cool sometimes the rats get up and dance on top of it back to the
[2130.6s] previous question right would food poisoning work for your little endeavor oh you know
[2136.6s] she's seen through food poisoning before let me uh what kind of food poisoning are we talking
[2142.2s] about here well we're talking like it's coming out of both ends of you're not sure which one
[2148.4s] it's gonna come out of next you know the real good kind of food poisoning that's that's that
[2156.1s] you're gonna have food poisoning that's the kind you want the kind where you're still
[2161.9s] winded walking upstairs like three weeks later oh the kind where you don't leave the bathroom
[2167.8s] yeah um how long do we think this food poisoning would last and i was was hoping for
[2174.4s] something that would uh allow me to stay in my bed as the ad dictates sure um but i mean i'm
[2183.1s] working on a tight timeline here and this is the best i could come up with okay so if if
[2189.2s] you don't feel like it's gonna work i mean like this will work and get you out of your mother-in-law's
[2195.0s] sites for a day or two look see i like where your head's at
[2202.6s] i'm gonna take i'm gonna make a persuasion check oh it was a 19 i hoped it was a 20 so badly
[2213.2s] because then you could yell something right i could yell yeah yeah i was leaving it is a
[2219.4s] nine um 24 i guess after my bonus you know i didn't want to be
[2230.2s] so indisposed but i mean i feel like you're trying to have it both ways here a little too
[2236.3s] fine my friend yeah you're right you're the only one who's shown up so far okay okay
[2242.6s] here's here's what i can do i'm gonna eat this yep if i get as ill as you say i'm going to get
[2252.1s] i shall deliver the funds to you directly right now we'll wait until it kicks in you and i here
[2260.2s] together just while these other people are still here how else full just uh you see the other
[2268.0s] two people at the top the conversation that you have and you'd be like jeez like get a room
[2275.4s] and they begin uh fair robing and and re-robing re-robing they were fully disrobed behind
[2282.4s] them wow all z i like it yeah i think it plays into their you know in public uh situation
[2291.4s] they're asking to be caught right i'm not gonna yuck there y'all right exactly uh you
[2297.0s] might be yucking some yum here though so um well it's like the things we do for money right
[2303.8s] part of the stipulation of the job there sorry your name was uh moot my name's perfect frank
[2310.5s] nice to meet you um part of the stipulation is to make sure that the the disease works
[2318.0s] i don't want to have you know say i got an iron gullet and i can stomach this he sniffs it
[2323.2s] oh if i can stomach it that's obviously not worth 50 gold and i wouldn't end up in bed
[2328.7s] for for days on end shitting out all of the bad things inside of me
[2335.6s] yep oh boy there are bad things i mean if if it does work and you're not interacting or
[2342.7s] be rounding your being around your mother-in-law then i feel like it's well worth this is my
[2346.5s] point good friend moot um so let us eat no no there will be no us
[2354.6s] right yes no sorry this is a solo endeavor for you my friend um force of habit i i
[2362.1s] never mind let me eat hand me the the the food he begins eating
[2369.0s] so lee you've made it to your fifth bar i'm a little drunk make a constitution saving it is
[2376.6s] just a little it's in bad form to go into a tavern and to not have a pint reminder you
[2382.2s] don't have any money so how have you been paying for these i've been making good friends
[2386.4s] who've been like oh man buy this guy a beer that kind of thing okay cool um that was i'm
[2393.3s] that was i'm sorry it was constitution constitution oh that's a plus one nine
[2400.5s] so you are as they say wasted awesome yeah and you make it to the fifth bar and there's some
[2407.2s] i mean there's been some music but um i mean the the inquiries you've had about the the
[2412.6s] bards playing up up to this point have led you to believe that they weren't the person that
[2417.0s] you were looking for and you come into this bar and there is very loud music happening
[2423.8s] everybody is up and dancing and having a grand old time and you walk to the front and you see
[2429.9s] a a tall slender female with leather a leather dress very bedazzled she's has a sitar
[2438.5s] wow all right real ethnic up in here yeah she's very swanky she's plucking and strumming and
[2444.6s] everybody's moving to the do you say the crowd is undulating they're undulating gross
[2449.6s] undulating crowd let me give you a suggestion disgusting you think this would be
[2457.7s] where people would be doing it on the bar or no on the bar maybe you're right maybe um
[2464.3s] and she finishes her set and she comes down off the stage and she goes up to the bar and
[2469.1s] grabs her drink and she's just meeting and greeting with a few people who are shaking
[2473.6s] her hand um what do you do i walk up to her confidently and i say i think you you might be
[2480.4s] the bar bard i'm looking for and uh what what bard are you looking for i'm looking for the
[2488.7s] bard who wants the dirty jobs you you you saw my ear here hear about the posting absolutely
[2501.0s] wonderful wonderful well come have a seat come have a seat thank you must figure out what kind
[2506.1s] of jobs that these dirty jobs are that you will be suggesting to me for my book that i'm writing
[2513.2s] absolutely you know what i just have to say number one you're out for this fantastic
[2519.0s] thank you yours is sparkles yours is wonderful as well i like the the leathers that you have
[2524.3s] going on there as well yes your leathers and all them like did i mention the sparkles
[2530.2s] let me introduce myself my name is lady extravaganza oh wow very so i'm picturing
[2538.6s] she is dressed like uh rob halford from judas priest
[2544.1s] yeah yeah exactly perfect you have charisma uniqueness nerve and talent my friend
[2553.0s] thank you you're trying to butter me up but um rest does not know but thank you for laughing
[2559.0s] right you gotta get the reveal at the end and anyone else who likes if you somehow pull off
[2565.1s] a wig and have another wig underneath that would be ideal rupal's dry grace oh yeah and it spells
[2571.1s] out cunt oh yeah sure perfect yeah miss the reference sorry sorry i haven't caught up for
[2577.4s] you it must have been later seasons that that one came out every time oh yeah it's like
[2581.8s] pretty much every episode that's okay it's all right all right uh so we we need uh
[2588.6s] i need a list of a hundred dirty jobs that no one no one wants to do
[2597.9s] you think you're up to that job oh i have no one's been up to that job before that's number one
[2603.0s] creating this list well you know what i'm gonna have to come up with a hundred and one
[2609.4s] because that one doesn't count also i'm not good at math
[2614.2s] so i mean you still have to only come up with 100 yes i would um but also there is a question
[2623.8s] about payment i am not going to come up with a hundred dirty jobs and then have you go thanks
[2630.5s] and then not pay me because let me tell you right now unfortunately i was robbed and i did
[2634.7s] not find out about this until after i had already ordered potatoes oh yes the potato
[2640.2s] yeah well he you know mon is he's a nice guy and uh and i'm just trying to do right by him
[2648.1s] but i don't want to waste my time coming up with a hundred jobs which i can totally do
[2654.0s] and then not get paid at the end no yes there will be payment there will be payment it's not
[2658.8s] much you know the the author gig is not um not one that pays a lot up front oh no fair enough
[2665.9s] yes um so as as my as my advertisement said uh a small payment
[2673.6s] which is what uh two gold oh that is not gonna cover the potatoes but but but
[2682.9s] your name would go into the book as a contributing author fame and fortune when
[2690.7s] this one strikes the streets
[2695.8s] this sounds a lot like when people ask artists to do work for free for exposure yeah
[2702.7s] let me my portfolio look two gold is worth plenty plenty to someone
[2710.6s] who has has no gold and we're merely listing jobs
[2715.3s] all right fine you got yourself a you got yourself a writing instrument
[2721.7s] i do let's fucking do this all right ready go wedgie picker ear gunk goop getter outer
[2732.4s] nose picker booger wiper um i like where you're going could we get away from perhaps the
[2739.6s] boogers because that seems like people would you know just lump them all together oh yeah
[2743.7s] no fair enough okay um fart collector um the person who has to scrape off the walls of the
[2751.5s] sewer and of oh oh the person who needs to eat uh to find out if the meat's gone bad good good
[2760.7s] yes the the goat smeller to see if the goat is rotten in any heat nobody wants to do that job
[2766.6s] uh trust me uh the um
[2773.3s] um okay remind me where you went you went to go see the wizard um on on pepperoni lane
[2784.1s] you make it to pepperoni lane um and the directions that mon gave you and it brings you
[2789.2s] to a um a subtly grandiose home it has it's about the same size as all the other homes
[2799.4s] around it but has enormous uh pillars set out front um is is runes inscribed all around the
[2807.8s] house um from the looks there are no candles lit from on the interior um it looks rather quiet
[2815.7s] at this point i will knock gently uh you knock and wait a moment and then um after
[2828.1s] i don't know i'd give it 30 to 40 seconds the runes ahead of you and sweeping all around you
[2837.2s] illuminate and as if from nowhere a giant light beam is set down on top of you
[2846.0s] and there's a booming voice that carries what do you want
[2854.2s] uh hi i'm looking for a wise master mesix
[2860.3s] it's about a job
[2861.4s] about a job i saw uh my friend read a job posting to me saying that you were looking
[2870.8s] to stop wizard bandits from stealing your books and where did you find this job
[2881.2s] well i was robbed and then i went to go look at the job board and then had to take the job
[2887.0s] at the job board and then had to take the job posting back to mon at the nauta library and
[2893.0s] he told me what it said and where to find you because you had trouble reading it or because
[2900.6s] you did not just know directions well both i'm not from here good good good so you are
[2910.8s] are equipped to deal with the arcane
[2918.6s] well i maybe i have a couple friends how many wizard bandits are we talking about
[2928.6s] we must not talk about this in the streets you see the runes illuminate and then the door
[2933.4s] unlatches and then swings open he says come inside we will discuss this in the privacy of
[2938.9s] my abode okay i go in you enter and it is like the walls are lined with books um in fact the
[2949.8s] books from what you can tell make up the walls and the insulation in the house itself there are
[2955.9s] hundreds if not thousands of books in this house and you enter and it's like a labyrinth
[2961.1s] walking through a path as you carry into this house and you make it a little ways
[2969.4s] and you still don't see anybody uh hello master mesix you hear the door close behind you
[2978.6s] from the way you came and you hear scurried hurried footsteps from further back inside the
[2987.4s] house nobody responds at this moment are you are you in here and i'm scanning the book
[2998.2s] titles obviously because i can't help but do it because does anything seem like crazy are they
[3003.8s] all crazy um there's some there's some crazy aliens are among us the right way to cross the
[3012.2s] street flushing toilets maybe
[3024.5s] what an arcane book collection right so i'm gonna follow the sound of the scurrying that i heard
[3035.0s] you make it to a back room and there's a curtain drawn and that's where you hear the
[3039.1s] sounds coming from and you hear the voice again he says um yes yes um um we as you can see there
[3047.4s] are many books that need protection from these bandit wizards trying to get all the ideas that
[3056.1s] i have in here are you up to the task well i guess i'd need a bit more information about
[3067.0s] what the task requires and also what the renumeration for the position is the task
[3072.2s] requires protection you need to protect my library here of great arcane books
[3081.0s] until i can secure them safer storage elsewhere
[3087.6s] well between myself and my friends we can we can probably do that there's more of you
[3093.0s] you well i i've got a couple friends why did they not come well they're they're busy working
[3101.5s] on other jobs right now make a purse this seems like a make a persuasion check
[3112.4s] 11 okay
[3117.5s] well but they can come back with me in the morning
[3123.0s] that should be fine how how long do you think it will take you to find safer storage well i'm
[3130.3s] i've got transportation in the works you see movement of the curtain and it kind of
[3136.1s] parts a little bit and you see a figure standing beyond it's kind of shadowy and
[3140.6s] dark you don't quite make out exactly but they close it back up and they say i've got
[3144.9s] transportation sorted out i just need someone to basically make sure i'm not attacked on the
[3151.0s] front force while i move uh move the library to the rear oh okay what does it pay i have
[3161.2s] i was robbed and i have some debts and right as much as i'd like to just help you yes
[3166.9s] unfortunately i owe some money well knowing that i can i can renumerate you as you so said
[3177.5s] it doesn't sound like an illiterate word he mumbles under his breath but i may i can pay you
[3186.2s] both in gold and in teaching you to read
[3192.9s] i can pay you and well if you have three friends it splits how much each of you earn
[3200.5s] but i could probably pay you for this task that is such a difficult task
[3208.2s] 75 gold 75 gold between the three of us or 75 gold each 75 gold between the three of you
[3218.6s] i will do the math for you as you are not as smart as i that would be 25 gold per individual
[3229.4s] and how long again do you think this will take it's tough to say it's tough to say
[3235.1s] the transportation system is set up and in place and it could take a day it could take 12
[3245.0s] well that's that's quite a range what if we say 75 dollars per day
[3259.5s] can i try and persuade him please do
[3261.9s] 17. 75 gold per per day is is just
[3271.5s] is a lot of money i don't know if you know this 75 gold will get you very far how much debt
[3279.9s] could you possibly have you are but a young individual well what about 75 gold every two days
[3289.2s] every two days then we're getting more within within realm of possibility there is three of us
[3296.4s] there is three of sounds like it could be very dangerous bandit wizards falling books maybe
[3303.6s] yes books can kill books can kill
[3309.4s] all right you have a deal 75 gold every two days but split between the three of you
[3314.7s] and i need you back here pronto first thing in the morning well that's fair but before i go
[3320.6s] i'd like to introduce myself and i'd like to meet you face to face if we're going to be
[3324.1s] working together we must do this do we my name is glim i am it's nice to me i am wise master
[3332.9s] me six doesn't part the curtain yet well i'd like to shake your hand can you come out
[3339.8s] please or open the curtain make a persuasion roll
[3346.8s] damn 12
[3350.0s] all right it's only just if uh okay if i show you my face that way we know each other we
[3360.1s] can trust each other we know that we're both in this for the good of the books he parts the
[3366.4s] curtain and you see not only the curtain part but like an illumination like an enchantment
[3373.0s] drops and beyond you see a tall thin blue creature very smooth features and he steps
[3386.7s] forward in and has a very frown scowled face on and he says hi
[3396.6s] i'm wise master me six it's very nice to meet you it's nice to meet you i'm glim
[3405.4s] is he a he is humanoid he's humanoid okay but have i ever seen a creature like this before
[3412.9s] no okay well wise master me six i'll return with my friends in the i would expect so
[3423.4s] tomorrow morning be here before the bandits
[3431.4s] glim heads out and we cut back to sully in the middle of the bar shock suit testa banya
[3437.0s] masturbator cow inseminator vomit catcher pee collector uh older judge manual fart releaser
[3445.2s] dead person puppetry maggot farmer chicken sexer fart statician whale snot collector
[3452.8s] armpit sniffer corpse grinder and then we cut back to moot who's standing in front of a
[3460.2s] i figured i would be standing beside him holding his hair back while he was
[3464.6s] yacking everywhere yeah no let's say that you're standing beside frank
[3471.9s] who is vomiting into the nearest garbage receptacle because you're in a back alleyway
[3479.0s] and there happens to be some garbage there sure yeah why would there be it worked
[3484.7s] oh i know this isn't very comforting but i'm glad it worked
[3494.9s] yeah no this is gonna really do the trick
[3499.1s] yeah when she sees what's coming out of you she's not gonna come
[3502.3s] anywhere near you oh god yes wow what where did you get that
[3511.0s] oh i'm not at liberty to divulge that information good stuff okay
[3517.4s] he says i he reaches into his pocket
[3522.6s] and pulls out uh a coin satchel and hands of cheese you've done it you you've done it good
[3530.2s] sir i don't know if i'm even gonna make it home thank you you're more than welcome frank
[3538.9s] watch out for those nice shoes you're wearing though it would be a shame to get
[3542.5s] sick all over yeah i already did but i'm too late we find out later that poor frank died of
[3549.8s] dehydration cut to two weeks from now the open casket funeral for frank um we cut back to
[3559.8s] not a library um i'm assuming moot and glim arrive glim i did it you did it worked it worked
[3569.3s] i got the money well i guess that means we can pay our bill right now right yeah we might as
[3576.2s] well settle up right now where's uh where's mon is here i'm here and in walks sully sully i i
[3582.8s] got the money for mon i got the money that's awesome and i um into your satchel place my two
[3589.9s] gold coins that i have earned and like um actually i'm gonna take these and i'm just gonna go
[3598.6s] and get us all rooms right now um i need i need a shower well guys we have an appointment
[3606.2s] in the morning for my job i know it's not maybe so urgent now but i met the strangest
[3610.9s] creature person he was blue and anyway he needs our help protecting his books yeah sure
[3620.5s] sounds good he was blue
[3624.8s] da ba dee da ba die oh so hoping he would like tom can't say the word blue and then not say
[3631.5s] abba dee abba die after
[3661.5s] the intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin mcleod of incompetech.filmmusic.io
[3680.2s] all other music sound effects and ambience can be found at epidemicsound.com a huge thank you
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[3709.7s] of other amazing bonus exclusive content visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast to check
[3715.8s] it out today oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes just keep saying yes
[3723.8s] till you come up with a name honey it's okay don't call me out otherwise i will just keep
[3729.3s] saying yes also via the magic of editing russ was so quick on the name so fast i didn't even
[3735.9s] say these words in the bog no no i can't wait why did you say pepperoni i don't know
[3747.8s] everything is on the fucking cuff here tonight so you get what you get
[3752.1s] uh-huh
[3753.3s] Dumbgeons and dragons is a dumb dragons production